The name’s Hands. Shakey Hands. And I’ll tell you, PQI U510 8GB is the perfect flash drive for a secret agent like me. It wasn’t designed by Q, but it might as well have been. And at least it is designed by P“Q”I. It’s shaped just like a credit card so I just slip it into my wallet and no one suspects a thing.

I’m at Milfred P. Berkly’s annual ‘fundraising soiree,’ but what’s in that room over there? Could it be top secret information on the new doomsday device the Russians are building (we’re still fighting those guys, right?)? I’d better set down my martini, slip away from this party and find out. Shoot! Door’s locked. Damn! Okay, think, think. Wish I hadn’t set down that martini. Aha!

Here’s the part where a lot of secret agents would lose their nerve, just give up, go home, tell their superiors they gave it the old college try. Not me, point is I come prepared. Remember how I told you this flash drive is the size and shape of a credit card? Let’s see if I can just pop the lock open with it. Ah, there we go, I’m in! Thanks, PQI.

I’m surprised my nefarious host has been foolish enough to leave nothing but a bedroom door’s lock between me and all the secrets on his computer. Apparently, he didn’t count on me having a PQI U510 memory reader, the scum. Or being a secret agent. I have been lying about my identity after all.

‘Lying’ is such an ugly word though, isn’t it? I prefer ‘pretexting.’ I’ve been telling him I separate aluminum cans from the trash down at the waste processing plant, ha ha ha. While technically that’s true, my REAL job is being a secret agent. I just still have a day gig. Anyway, I don’t feel bad about fibbing a little bit to this guy. He’s the one pretending to be a mild mannered mayonnaise tycoon, holding a benefit for children with autism, when everyone knows he’s really building a doomsday device for the Russians. Everyone KNOWS it! It makes me so MAD! Damn Russians! God, I hate those guys.

I hope I don’t get caught. I’m a bit nervous but that’s natural, right? Luckily, my credit card shaped flash drive gives me courage. Now, where were we? Oh yes, find the doomsday plans. Let’s see, this is a nice bedroom. It’s tasteful, I’ll give it that. Bed made, pillows thoughtfully arranged on the bed. Nice. And there’s a little breeze coming in through the window. Huh, what was that sound? Oh, no! They’re on to me! Quick, let me put this lamp shade on my head, maybe they’ll think I’m just part of the décor. Dumb Russians.

Ooops, false alarm, it was just a furry white cat walking along the window sill. This is dangerous. If they catch me, I’ll end up in a jar of mayonnaise for sure. That’s scary just to think about. I haven’t really been practicing my judo, so if he catches me, I’m done for. You’ll be spreading me on your sandwich tomorrow and you won’t even know it. Okay, focus. Help me, PQI U510 8GB memory card!

There’s the computer, let’s do this and get out. Let me see, I don’t see any files that are labeled “doomsday plans.” Hmmmm. They must be coded some how. Oh, here it is! Very clever, he’s got a bunch of files on here called “Charitable Giving Accounts.” Those must be his dastardly designs! I’ll just quickly copy them onto my PQI flash card in a snap. I’ll have to decode them at headquarters. Did I say headquarters? I meant my room at the YMCA, sorry. I do hope to have an office soon, though. Okay, focus! Gosh, there are a lot of these files, good thing this card holds 8GB. It’s done. That was fast.

Now all I have to do is return to the party, mingle and act natural. There’s my martini, untouched. Ahhh, that’s good. One more sip. Oh yes. Ahhhhh!

“Hello, Mr. Berkley,” “Shaky, what are you doing outside of my room? Get back to the kitchen, the trash is piling up.” “Yes, Mr. Berkley, sorry Mr. Berkley, sir.” “Alright, Shakey, alright. Oh, and one more thing—why are you wearing a lampshade on your head?”