LONDON - In one of the England's oldest houses on Baker Street, Sam Ignatius could hardly believe it when he found the first draft of Romeo and Juliet in his basement, written by 12-year-old William Shakespeare. The original title was Romeo vs. the Cooties Dragon.

"I was stunned," said Ignatius. "I mean, even if it wasn't Shakespeare that I discovered, I would still be pretty angry, because this abomination could never be called a Shakespearean play in terms of quality."

Added Ignatius: "If this ever gets out into the public, one thing has to remain clear: Romeo is not a ninja."

This original version of the play, which was only twenty pages of parchment long, maintained the feud between the Capulet and Montague families in the city of Verona. However, much of the actual physical conflict was between the Capulets' 500-foot-tall seven-headed lizard monster Zargo-Bargo and the Montagues' half-giant-gorilla-half-cobra Skullsmacker. The conflict was only part of the Juliet's evil plan to have the two monsters destroy each other so that nobody could defend themselves from her true form: the Cooties Dragon.

"The main theme of Romeo vs. the Cooties Dragon still involves love," said Oxford scholar Dr. Terrence Parsons. "However, this time around it's about how much love is for 'gayrods with brains filled with dookie.' The protagonist, Romeo, is not a slave to love like in the later edition, but love is a slave to him and his Flaming Death Mega-Sword of Fire."

While Romeo and Juliet is widely considered to be superior, some of the most famous lines had origins in the first draft. The "a rose by any other name would smell as sweet" phrase was spoken just before Mercutio smelled a rose, thus disturbing a hornet who then summoned an army giant mutant hornets in a grandiose fight scene. "Star-crossed lovers" began from the climax of the play, in which Romeo threw at least two million ninja stars at the Cooties Dragon until she exploded. The scene with Juliet on the balcony was very similar to the later edition, but instead of their unrequited love, the Romeo and Juliet vowed to destroy each other, and the balcony in Castle Juliet overlooked a moat of boiling lava.