INVERNESS - At a press conference last evening, tears were making the Loch Ness Monster's mascara run as, in the midst of dwindling belief in the beast's existence, he declared himself to be nothing more than an urban legend.

"I just hate everything!" said the Monster. "Everyone thinks I'm fake. So you know what? I am fake. I am! The Nessie you once knew never existed, I'm just a shadow of what I once was. I'm super serious, guys!"

Skeptics consider this to be the smoking gun confirming the legend as a hoax. However, speculation remains as to whether the Monster exists due to the fact that he did show up to the press conference to begin with.

The Monster's future plans reportedly involve sitting in a corner and wallowing in self-pity forever and ever while listening to My Chemical Romance on his iPod.